yup.

in the lab again. it's an amazingly gorgeous day out, and here i am in my dungeonous dark-as-night laser lab. my future for the next four months at least -- until i get this fucking thesis done. i have goggles on to block out the laser light so that i won't blind myself or inadvertently give myself cataracts. good idea, but these goggles weigh down on my glasses, which are producing these flattering red indentations on either side of my nose.

that, and i look like a spazz.

i just found out about half and hour ago that all of the data i took over the last two days is absolute refuse. fantastic! nothing like two solid days of wasted effort when you desperately want to get done and get the hell out of here.

ah well. here i am complaining again. if i whine on this blog, maybe i can spare my friends? likely not. *shrug*. at least now i think i'm taking actual real and useful data. we'll see. maybe i'll just ditch this degree. how many more chumps with M.Sc. degrees do we really need anyway?

***

it's actually amazingly refreshing to be writing again. i used to write quite a bit, but since january, i haven't really had the time. the only things i've written in the past three months were wanky pieces for this physics journal i put out. the last issue with me at the helm as EiC came out on wednesday and i'm really relieved to get it all out of the way. i mean, i have a few loose ends to tie up here and there.

however, i can't help but wonder if the angst that i've been feeling these last few days are a manifestation of the pangs of loss that i'm somehow denying.

i'm really uncertain about the future of the publication right now -- i founded it, so it's kind of my baby. the dude who'll likely become editor-in-chief is my current french editor. he's a good guy, i guess, and he's really reliable and dedicated to the journal, but he's also a hard-core nerd who doesn't really seem to appreciate that there are fields other than pure theoretical physics that students should be interested in. i'm just afraid that he'll betray my vision of the journal and take it somewhere i never would have wanted it to go, losing advertisers and driving it into the ground.

he's also not a native english speaker -- and it shows. i don't really want to slag on someone just 'cause they can't speak english absolutely perfectly, but for this job, it's kind of important. i mean, i'm sure he'll do alright...

the other dude applying for an editorship seems competent enough, but he hasn't corresponded with us in the last month. i don't even know if he's still interested. and one thing that you definitely need in an editor is promptness in responding. our submitters and advertisers just don't have the patience to deal with someone who won't get back to them for weeks.

i'm trying to convince myself that i've stopped caring about the journal, but everybody knows that's bullshit, and easier said than done. i'll still be doing the layout, and of course, nobody wants to see something they've worked on for two years go up in flames.

anyway, writing. this is really liberating, remarkably: writing knowing that what i say doesn't have to be perfect, right or even coherent.

i'd discovered a week ago when i read the literary supplement we run in our newspaper every year that my experience in journalism has dulled my appreciation for creative writing, even creative non-fiction. i was reading the winning piece in the supplement for the long non-fiction category and kept thinking, 'why does this have to be so flowery? god, i could write all of this in half as many words.'

i like that, here, i don't have to be succinct. not that i can help it anymore, really.