strange days. i'm in a rather bizarre mood right now, feeling as i'd imagine a person with ADHD on valium might feel. i'm feeling a bit sour and kind of stressed out, but my body is inexplicably relaxed. i'm so overwhelmed with work i can't bring myself to do anything. i'm more or less in a state where i realize that i'm going to be hit with a load of work in three weeks and that i'm going to wig out, but i can't do anything about it right now.

helpless...

listless...

but i shouldn't be. i have a 20-page history paper that i have essentially yet to start, but i keep deleting what i write. if i get that out of the way, things won't be so bad. why can't i write it?

why do i feel so lethargic?

***

thursday, in our history course, a book restorer came to talk to us and show us her work. i never realized how economics-driven the book restoration business was; they do to the book what the client asks, even if it may not do anything to preserve the book. it was more about raising the resale value of an old book rather than preserving the content of it. i appreciated what she did quite a bit, and her work is quite extraordinary; but it disappointed me somewhat to have my naïve notions of book restorers as being the conservationists of human knowledge unceremoniously dashed.

friday, we trekked up to special collections on the main campus; i've heard that sfu can be quite beautiful when it's sunny out, but it was grey and misty and altogether depressing, especially in the campus's dystopic concrete landscape. as i was making my way on my 45-minute bus trip after having woken up an hour earlier than usual, i thought, 'if i decided to do a phd in communications, i'll have to make this commute every fucking day. i'm not sure i can make that commitment.

this week, we head out to victoria for a field trip. should be fun, and could be exhausting. we're to visit trafford's print-on-demand facility, as well as the abebooks offices.

presentation tomorrow, midterm wednesday, should be concurrently writing my history paper, two weeks behind on my editing...

why can't i get a move on it?